My someone

When I think about the possibility that maybe my someone is out there, it both makes me smile and makes me want to cry. We all hope for a special someone.  That person who sees all the broken pieces and recognizes how special that makes you.  I've met some people who I had thought might be it, who I loved all their broken pieces, but I was wrong.  There is nothing wrong with being wrong though.  Loving people is important, and some of the most lovely times in my life have been with the people who couldn't love me quite enough.

You see? My someone, well, he has to be pretty brave.  I'm quite a lot, and I know now that I shouldn't have to hide it. My someone will not make me question if I am enough. This isn't to say my someone doesn't deserve the exact same treatment, they absolutely do.

Waiting for my someone is so difficult.  Some days, it feels lonely and sad.  I could find him tomorrow or ten years from now.  I often find myself missing someone, but I don't know who.  But a part of me is missing, and I'm longing for it.  I don't know who has or where this piece of me is. Some days I don't miss it at all.  But some nights at 2am, it whispers to me.

It has taken a long time to not try to fill that void with subpar company.  It looks like you are being rude, but it feels like honesty. Why beg for attention from anyone?  Why seek attention from someone you know isn't right?  Be true to yourself.

My someone is probably not looking for me, at least, not exactly.  I don't think anyone is every quite looking for me.  I hide behind so much bluster, you'd never know how often I cry.  You'd never know that all I want is someone who wants me as much as I want them.  You'd never know how insecure I truly am.

But why do I want to cry? Because what if my someone isn't out there? Or worse, what if I never find him?  I must remain hopeful, but the thought remains.  What if, what if I remain alone?

Those insecurities were given to me by weak men.  Men who didn't understand why I didn't shine the way they wanted. So, I dimmed my shine,  I hide my intensity, I became a monochromatic version of myself.  I shine in glitter and rainbows, intense and wonderful and important.  And my someone will know that.