I've been burdened with my muchness for as long as I can remember. NO NO NO NO! Stop yourself right now, you are wanting to say. Never be burdened by your muchness! It is what makes you, you. I know this and it is a burden nonetheless. And on the converse side, this is not to say that other people are somehow less intense or passionate or important as me.
I can distinctly remember high school. How I was often too much and never enough. I was so intense and in your face with my beliefs and moral and interests. I was not enough with my lack of interest in drinking and dating and other shallow interests (at least I thought so at the time). I was never the right something. My muchness always consumed me.
My muchness has transformed over time. My passions have changed. My intense need to be me has transformed. Here's what I've found, my muchness is a burden and a blessing. My muchness, oh my muchness, how it makes everything so much more intense.
People are initially attracted to muchness. They see your passion. They see your intensity and they want a part of that. So enticing, I'd imagine. When you are looking in, it seem so wonderful. It's not. It's scary as hell. It's in your face.
I often joke with friends that people stick around for less than two weeks. That's all the more it takes for most people to be "over it". I no longer mind much anymore. Everyone says they are "different", that they'd never be sick of me, but few are right, and that's okay. My muchness states that I can't be held back by the feelings of others.
My muchness is a blessing for those who stick, truly stick. Not the ones who hang on by a thread to bask in my energy. That's unfair to me. It wastes my time, and energy and frankly, it wastes theirs too, to be partially consumed with each other, but nothing that matters too much. While I don't think it's always intentional, it usually ends up hurting.
M muchness will fill your heart with love, your body with energy and leave your face with a smile. I'll remember the little things. Celebrate small victories with you. I will have your back no matter what, to the moon and back.
Yes. I will be intense. I will take up your time. I will laugh. I will be silly. I will cry. I will text you at 3am when I can't sleep. I will remember things you didn't think I could possibly remember.
My muchness isn't for everyone, I realize that now. It is a blessing for those who can handle it and occasionally a curse for me. I will always attract people with the brightness of my flame. And I will scare those same people off with the heat of my fire.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Dearest Mom,
Dearest Mom,
Today on Mother's Day, I thought long and hard about how I could best honor you. No gift is enough, no card quite right. SO, I thought, maybe writing you something might be a more appropriate gift.
From a mom, to my mom, on Mother's Day, as I reflect on my childhood until now, first and foremost, Id like to say, I'm sorry! I know you're probably thinking that there's no apology needed, but I declare it warranted. You see, I know now, being a mom is no joke. It's 24/7 worry/nerves/regret/happiness/love and it is INTENSE! You couldn't have possibly warned me. But you showed me how to be a mom from the time I can remember.
My best memories from grade school and high school are the ways that you made me feel special and important. I remember in high school when someone broke up with me and you sent me flowers to cheer me up. I remember you sending me flowers on Valentines and remembering which soda and candy I preferred. You bought brand specific mac and cheese because you knew I preferred it. You often were my most ardent cheerleader, while giving me space to make my own decisions.
You've always supported my hopes and dreams. No matter how small (trying out for a competitive cheer squad, making it, and subsequently quitting) or big (shooting for the stars and ending up at seminary). You came to every basketball game that you could. You supported my multiple after school activities, even going from one to the next. I'm not sure you had time to even think sometimes, and there was only one of me.
Let's be honest, I've fallen on my ass, a lot. You've never made me feel less than for those mistakes. You've always supported me through the tough times. I wouldn't be where I am today without your undying support. I hope to use that as a guide with my own kids, though you are already their biggest fan as well.
I could never put into words the amazing things you've done for me. Those seen and unseen. I hope to be half the mother you have been to my own children. I love you until the number end plus one.
Happy Mother's Day.
Today on Mother's Day, I thought long and hard about how I could best honor you. No gift is enough, no card quite right. SO, I thought, maybe writing you something might be a more appropriate gift.
From a mom, to my mom, on Mother's Day, as I reflect on my childhood until now, first and foremost, Id like to say, I'm sorry! I know you're probably thinking that there's no apology needed, but I declare it warranted. You see, I know now, being a mom is no joke. It's 24/7 worry/nerves/regret/happiness/love and it is INTENSE! You couldn't have possibly warned me. But you showed me how to be a mom from the time I can remember.
My best memories from grade school and high school are the ways that you made me feel special and important. I remember in high school when someone broke up with me and you sent me flowers to cheer me up. I remember you sending me flowers on Valentines and remembering which soda and candy I preferred. You bought brand specific mac and cheese because you knew I preferred it. You often were my most ardent cheerleader, while giving me space to make my own decisions.
You've always supported my hopes and dreams. No matter how small (trying out for a competitive cheer squad, making it, and subsequently quitting) or big (shooting for the stars and ending up at seminary). You came to every basketball game that you could. You supported my multiple after school activities, even going from one to the next. I'm not sure you had time to even think sometimes, and there was only one of me.
Let's be honest, I've fallen on my ass, a lot. You've never made me feel less than for those mistakes. You've always supported me through the tough times. I wouldn't be where I am today without your undying support. I hope to use that as a guide with my own kids, though you are already their biggest fan as well.
I could never put into words the amazing things you've done for me. Those seen and unseen. I hope to be half the mother you have been to my own children. I love you until the number end plus one.
Happy Mother's Day.
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