The trouble with the past.

I did it.  I finally did.  It took years and years.  It took many friends, many losses, much pain, but I did it. I wondered if this day would ever come, I fought and cried and felt like I was bleeding, but I did it. I’m happy.  I’m alone and I’m happy and I’m no longer living in the past. I’m living in the present, living for the day to day.

 Living in the past is something we all do from time to time.  We look around our lives and see the small bits of unhappiness and we decide to look back and remember the past instead. That’s something that is concrete, no matter how much it hurts.  It’s something that is unchangeable and familiar. Living in the past seems much safer than looking in the present and toward the future

The truth is, our past isn’t very glamorous.  It’s filled with heartaches and missed deadlines.  It’s filled with failure and lost friendships. It also is covered with the Amaro filter that Instagram has.  It makes everything a little hazy, but also brighter and more attractive.  It feels like it should be relived.

The problem with living in the past is that it causes you repeated heartache.  You long for people no longer in your life.  You stop looking toward the future and the goals that you once had.  You sit in a rut and wish things were the way they used to be.  It’s completely unhealthy and it’s completely addictive. We can bemoan how unfairly we were treated, we can think of how amazing that other person was, but the reality is, we are no longer that person.

However, when we look to the past, it may often help us move forward.  We can see the mistakes that we have made, the changes large and small we have made and the difference in our life now.  It helps us look to the future with clearer eyes. Sometimes, we can remind ourselves of the very real fears that we had about what the future we are currently living in would be. 

Living in the present is terrifying.  We are a brand new person every day, full of experience and life.  There is little certainty of what will happen minute to minute.  That makes it even more exciting and important.  The past? Well, we know exactly how it ends and it’s fun to imagine the might have beens. It feels like healing to wax poetic about how badly someone hurt us or how much we loved someone.

The lessons of our past truly have set up this wonderful future we find ourselves in today. I have often thought that my life was going to be forever changed by an event or decision before me.  The terror was real that I would make the wrong decision and  I wouldn’t be able to recover from it.  Now, I sit back and look at those decisions.  Sure, they were difficult, important, some even life changing, however, they are the reason I am here where I am today. 

We can look back at the past and realize that even on our darkest days, there were plenty of reasons to feel bright and passionate.  We might be wistful about certain aspects of the past, but we can appreciate how our present and our future is informed. Living in the past is always going to lead to heartache.  However, reflecting on the past to move into a new future, can lead to a great insight into what the future can bring us.

As I look to the future now, I can do so with a fresh heart.  I know that nothing that comes my way can destroy me.  The only enemy that can truly heart me, is myself. The past has taught me that nothing else can stand in my way.

My hope is that someday, you can live in the present, too.  The feeling is much lighter and hope filled than I could have imagined.  Maybe I will find love, maybe I won’t.  Maybe I will reach all my dreams and maybe I will fail miserably into a new reality of dreams I have.  Happiness must come from yourself and life is an every changing journey.  Just remember that the past isn’t where we are any longer and the present is full of potential.

My someone

When I think about the possibility that maybe my someone is out there, it both makes me smile and makes me want to cry. We all hope for a special someone.  That person who sees all the broken pieces and recognizes how special that makes you.  I've met some people who I had thought might be it, who I loved all their broken pieces, but I was wrong.  There is nothing wrong with being wrong though.  Loving people is important, and some of the most lovely times in my life have been with the people who couldn't love me quite enough.

You see? My someone, well, he has to be pretty brave.  I'm quite a lot, and I know now that I shouldn't have to hide it. My someone will not make me question if I am enough. This isn't to say my someone doesn't deserve the exact same treatment, they absolutely do.

Waiting for my someone is so difficult.  Some days, it feels lonely and sad.  I could find him tomorrow or ten years from now.  I often find myself missing someone, but I don't know who.  But a part of me is missing, and I'm longing for it.  I don't know who has or where this piece of me is. Some days I don't miss it at all.  But some nights at 2am, it whispers to me.

It has taken a long time to not try to fill that void with subpar company.  It looks like you are being rude, but it feels like honesty. Why beg for attention from anyone?  Why seek attention from someone you know isn't right?  Be true to yourself.

My someone is probably not looking for me, at least, not exactly.  I don't think anyone is every quite looking for me.  I hide behind so much bluster, you'd never know how often I cry.  You'd never know that all I want is someone who wants me as much as I want them.  You'd never know how insecure I truly am.

But why do I want to cry? Because what if my someone isn't out there? Or worse, what if I never find him?  I must remain hopeful, but the thought remains.  What if, what if I remain alone?

Those insecurities were given to me by weak men.  Men who didn't understand why I didn't shine the way they wanted. So, I dimmed my shine,  I hide my intensity, I became a monochromatic version of myself.  I shine in glitter and rainbows, intense and wonderful and important.  And my someone will know that.

Almost three years since my separation and divorce...here's what I know...

Life is funny.  To quote The Doctor: “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” When I knew that I could no longer continue in my marriage, I was terrified.  We had three small children together, one of which was not even a month old.  I knew that it was going to be very rough for quite awhile, but I also knew that it was something that must be done.

I didn't respond correctly to the situations at hand.  I cried a lot, hid away from the world, and was generally unpleasant to be around.  I found salvation with friends who understood what I was going through and helped me find healthier ways of consoling myself.  You see, even when you are the person that wants the divorce, it is still extremely difficult emotionally.  I had my pile of bad things and I wanted to ignore my pile of good things, but thankfully that mentality didn't last forever.

Here's what I've learned, the good things often don't make themselves as known as the bad things.  I have searched off and on for a partner to share this life with.  So far, nothing has worked out for me and frankly, I'm okay with that.  It seems that living alone has had some good effects on me.  I seem to eat out less and also seem to be more motivated to clean and get out and do things with the kids.  The good thing here doesn't seem apparent does it?  I'm not stuck in a relationship that is not fruitful to my life and well being.  I am making it on my own.

I know for some, finding a partner can be very easy after they get out of a relationship or marriage.  Here's what I learned, hopping from one person to the next is just going to frustrate you and likely make you feel dejected.  Time is our friend.  Alone time with your thoughts is your friend.  Figuring out what you really want out of life is extremely rewarding.  It may seem like this person or that person is filling a void, but that may only be for awhile.  Look for someone who helps you heal your void.

I've learned mostly, that while at the time I thought my divorce was the end of the world, it has turned out to be a blessing.  I enjoy life so much more now.  And my kids now have a bonus mom, who loves and cares for them.  Maybe some day they will have a bonus dad, too.  Mostly, I'm just happy that I have the whole bed to myself (until 3am when Kellan climbs in).