Hard Questions

As I sat in a care meeting with my care committee for the Commission on Ministry, one morning, in what feels like decades ago, they asked me the question, “What’s the most important thing you’ve learned from seminary so far?” I sat to ponder on the question and another member said “I know that may be a hard question, but it’s an important one”.  I replied, “I like the hard questions. They help me think and learn and grow.”  I can’t say I remember how I answered that particular question that day, but it satisfied their curious minds about my development in ministry.  I sit here 5 years post graduation, working as a dispatcher for a trucking company, and wondering how I find myself at the edge of being in ministry again.

My story is as complicated as it is simple. I first discovered my call to ministry at the age of 15.  A man named Tracy Carroll told me that he believed that he saw the light of God in me and that I should consider going into ministry. As I finished up my undergrad in Sociology, I applied to a few seminaries.  A mere week after I received my acceptance letter to Eden Theological Seminary, I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  Something as simple as a child wouldn’t stop me from figuring out how seminary would work, so I started seminary that February with some big naive eyes. 4 years and a total of 3 pregnancies later, I graduated with my M.Div. Later that year I filed for divorce and ministry was put on hold.

I could give you my sob story about how I wasn’t given the opportunities that I deserved.   While this is partially accurate, I was finding myself again after a divorce that was due in large part to me. I was told by the area minister that most churches around here wouldn’t like a divorced mom of three to preach to them. I did little to fight back on these issues and very little to fight for myself. I wasn’t interested in the hard question...the one that weighed on my mind no matter what I did, “Do you still want to do ministry, Brittany?”.

Time marched on and my kids grew. I changed positions in my job. I found opportunities to fill in occasionally at my local church and so my need to preach a word got quenched and I let my idea of being ordained one day slip away. My call became a distant whisper in the back of my mind.

In Summer 2017 lots of things happened that would change the course of my life, as summers often do. My mother’s best friend, a second mother to me, passed suddenly.  I ended an unhealthy relationship. And my kids went to Vacation Bible School. There, my mom, in all her loving pride, told another area pastor about my seminary education, my frustration with my denomination, and my lack of a church. From there, the Holy Spirit moved.

Another hard question, was I committed to sticking with my denomination? Truth be told,  the two main differences between these denomination have to do with baptism and communion, neither were issues that I was worried about the particulars too much to squabble on it. This hard question still weighs on my mind, as my denomination is important to me, but it won’t hold me back either.

The hard questions are often the most important questions we ask ourselves. Do those hard questions always receive clear and concise answers? No. Should we try to see what kind of answers we can find in the midst of wrestling with these questions? Absolutely.  As we enter the spring season where everything blooms new and different and exciting, I hope that we can all ask ourselves the hard questions in our lives. The hard questions are what get us the jobs we’ve always hoped for, the relationships we’ve been waiting our entire life for, and the children who follow their dreams.

Today I ask myself one more hard question. Was it all worth it? I can honestly answer that yes, every moment led me here to where I am supposed to be. So, ask yourself the hard questions, even when it hurts. The hard questions are the only worthwhile questions.