I can't dance for you anymore.

I can’t dance for you anymore. I know I always have.  I laugh and smile and fill the silences.  I listen to your problems and share deep parts of myself trying to connect in some way to you.  Dancing for you can be like a drug.  You compliment me and praise me.  You think you see hidden parts of me.  And for the moment, you think, “I want to be a part of that”.

But that feeling never lasts.  Eventually I get tired.  The dance becomes sloppy or maybe I ask you to join the dance, but you are more of a wallflower.  The façade starts to crack and you realize, I’m just a normal person.  My special pieces are still hidden away, they were never part of the dance.

I can’t dance for you anymore.  It hides the pieces of me I value most.  I value my soft heart and my big naïve eyes.  I value the trust that I have in others and the need to be kind over anything else. I value the differences in everyone and the heat of a good debate.  I value my happiness much more than I’ve ever valued the dance.

I can’t dance for you anymore.  This dance was never really mine anyway.  It was pieced together from all the people who have come before wanting certain parts of me to shine or fade. I faded until the dance dulled away all that was actually me.  I was merely a shadow on the stage.

I can’t dance for you anymore. It is too tiring and my feet and my soul are hurting.  I’ve fallen away from the parts of my life that help me feel most alive.  The dance became the most important thing to me.  Just one more dance and they’ll finally care enough to make the effort.  Just one more dance and they will understand how much I care.  Just one more dance and they will smile at me the way I smile at them.  Just one more dance and maybe they will notice how much I care about them.  No matter how many times I danced, it wasn’t enough.

I can’t dance for you anymore. It kills me slowly inside, to be “on” all the time.  I just want someone to see the real me.  I want someone to not need me to dance for them at all. So, while I know it’s disappointing, I can’t dance for you anymore.